The Good Life As I Know It

25 Things You Need to Know....by popular demand:

1. I was almost attacked by a shark in Destin, Fla. I had been water skiing and had dropped the line. I was waiting patiently, bobbing up and down, for the boat to come back and get me. Unbeknownst to me, I was being stalked by a Bull Shark.

2. While attempting to prepare an area in our backyard for a garden, I dug up our cat that "ran away" 4 years before. I guess he never made it to Vegas...I'd like to add that garbage bags are not biodegradable. Go green?!

3. I have had over 15 concussions and I'm not cognitively impaired...at least I think so. Wait... What was I just talking about?

4. While working at the tanning salon, a convicted felon fell in love with me. For real.

5. Also at Planet Beach, one of my male customers,whom I assume was intoxicated, came out of his room with nothing but a shirt on to tell me that his bed was not "on." The whole naked with only a t-shirt on is only endearing for pre-schoolers.

6. I had plastic surgery done on my face after a deaf Mormon boy hit me in the head with a 6 iron. What? So I've had a little work done...

7. I lost my hearing for 5 minutes after a girl on the opposing softball team hit me in the back of the head while attempting to practice swinging her bat. That's why they have designated circles.

8. Adding to the softball theme: I only struck out once in my career because my coach MADE me...stupid strategy. I'm pretty sure we lost anyway. Way to take one for the team.

9. I have kissed 26+ or - boys, one of which was an Aussie---I guess I'm very diplomatic when it comes to foreign relations....such Trash!!! Don't judge me. I have convictions now!

10. I hate mayonnaise.

11. I have had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.

12. I have broken my nose twice, dislocated my shoulder twice, broken every finger--thumbs excluded and 3 toes.

13. When I was 10 I was asked to be a foreign exchange student to Ireland. To think I could have gone back to my roots. What might have been....

14. People used to ask my mom and dad if I "really talked like that." As Joy has previously stated, I had an unusually high-pitched voice. Thank God for puberty.

15. I was told that I have a high pain tolerance. I guess that's good news?!

16. I've been in a car that was struck by lightning. I was riding in the back of a Taurus station wagon and saw lightning strike a transformer and then immediately head straight for the car. Let me add that I was sitting next to the Preacher's daughter. Coincidence? I think not.

17. I have been electrocuted 5 times.

18. I accidentally set an apartment complex on fire after burning pictures of my 6th grade boyfriend. Fire and love go together, right? Two years later I caught my sister's room on fire via a scented candle that had dried flowers in the wax.

19. I was left-handed until my parents made me change. According to research, that's a no-no.

20. I was once written up in the 8th grade for kissing my boyfriend on the cheek. If I knew I was about to go down I would have gone out in a blaze of glory and made it worth my while...Interestingly enough, the day we had OCS we stayed after Field Day and cleaned up the school. During my cleaning I stumbled upon an adult video. I told my vice-Principal and he said, "I'll take that."

21. You all know this but I'm going to say it anyway. I once had green hair after I lost my mind during a break-up. In the words of Joy and Eva: "Once you go blonde, you don't go back!" Words to live by girls.

22. I'm good at math especially Trigonometry.

23. I have had 6 majors in my college career and as of today I'm back to my first. The circle of life...

24. I have seen and heard supernatural things. You wanna know, ask me later.

25. I danced onstage with the Beach Boys when I was 4 years old.

Bonus: My family did not know that I existed until ONE month before I was born. I was born breech, weighing a pound less being an inch shorter than Lauren and I failed that test they give newborns because I had jaundice and my right arm didn't work. I had physical therapy for 6 months. Seriously? It's been a battle since birth :) Oh and my delivery was free.

My Accident-Prone Life As I Know It

Hello Friends!

As you all know Wednesday January 7th, we moved from the M-O-B to the utopian waterfront city of Fairhope. Lauren was teaching that day so I had to finish packing. Allow me to elaborate...I woke up at 5, made coffee and was greeted by a squinty-eyed Lauren, who said, "What are you doing up?" I replied, "Well, in case you've forgotten we're moving today and by 'we' I mean 'I' am moving us today while you go and teach adolescents with crazed hormones. She said, "Oh yeah...have fun with that! You can do it Lyles--just keep moving." This reminded me of a scene from the Disney/Pixar film Finding Nemo where Dori, the blue fish voiced by Ellen, keeps saying to herself "just keep swimming." All day long I had that in my head...just keep swimming...and really I had no other choice. At 6 o'clock I packed up Lauren's entire room as well as my own.
This feat demanded that I take apart the beds, which meant that I was to remove all bedding, man-handle the mattresses and box-springs and make good use of the Leatherman WAVE tool Lauren got me for Christmas in 2000. Well, I did all of that. As I was standing in Lauren's room my eyes shifted heavenward and I saw the dreaded ceiling fan... CRAP.
I had to un-install that monstrosity all by my lonesome. This was a rather disconcerting realization because 1) it is really heavy 2) I'm only 5" 2' and cannot reach 8 feet even with the use of a chair and 3) I didn't want to get electrocuted and die. This is not an unfamiliar scenario for me at all--being electrocuted is a reality for me. Just ask anyone who I lived with me during Summer Beach Project 2005---I was electrocuted 3 times. So not cool. Anyway, an hour and a half later I managed to complete this mission. I would like to note that I stood on top of a bed side table on one leg, looking like Captain Morgan. Moving on. I finally finish packing and moved all of our boxes into the center of the den. Most of our boxes contained books...very very large amounts of books...obnoxious amounts of poundage for me to move. With the help of sweet Jesus I made out OK. At 11:00 Two Men and a Truck showed up--early--I was expecting them between 11:30 and 1:30. They blew into my apartment and moved everything out in under 45 minutes. I felt like I had seen an apparition or something...I almost forgot they had been there because it all happened so fast!
Next thing--This is where it gets good so keep reading... Bethany came over, armed with a Foo-snack and a servant's heart and willingly submitted herself to my moving needs. So she and I put all of Lauren's clothes in the back of her Cougar--which has a hatch-back. As we are standing on the posterior end she goes to push Lauren's bag of shoes forward and inadvertently pushed down on her trunk cover--which unlocked the hydraulic mechanism that keeps the trunk open, which in turn sent the trunk flying directly towards my face, where it bypassed my forehead and made it's final resting place on my nose. CRACK!!! "Oh holy crap," I thought. "I just broke my nose!!! Aww man...this has happened before...dangit I don't want to look like my grandfather!!!" Well, it was indeed broken--just confirmed today. On top of that my grandmother (BB) knocked me in the head with a set of metal bed-rails. Her reply was, "Damn!!! I'm sorry Kris. You OK baby? We need to just put you in a padded room. Seriously, I do believe I had a concussion. Thank you for taking the time to read all about my injuries suffered, earned and endured. If I didn't have people to laugh with me I might have to cry. But really, I probably wouldn't. Love y'all and have a great weekend.

The New Adventures of Old Kristen

The countdown has begun and I could not be more thrilled to move back to the Alma mater of my childhood--that's right Fairhope! Woo hoo! So last Saturday I ventured out to explore the old homestead and found myself once again on the Fairhope Pier--affectionately known to Fairhopians as "The Big Pier." I have a lot of memories attached to that pier, from walking it's length hand in hand with my parents armed with my favorite ice cream (blueberry cheesecake) to getting caught in a squall on a Sea Doo when I was sixteen. The rope from the tube we were pulling got sucked into the jet and yep we had no knife to cut it out--so we drifted aimlessly towards the Big Pier amidst 10 foot waves and ominous black skies ( most of us--Lauren swam 100 yards to shore to get help although she didn't fair to well in that endeavor) clinging only to the hope of once again touching dry land. When we reached the pier two big men reached down from above as if they were maritime angels sent from heaven and pulled us up to safety. Needless to say I have never gone out boating without a knife or a cell phone.

But my most recent visit to the beloved pier proved to be a most interesting experience indeed. I saw three things that are blog-worthy: The first was a bride and groom accompanied by their party trying to acquire beautiful pictures to one day show their children. It was an overcast day so hopefully the photographer is good with lighting...Secondly, I saw a posse of sad, downcast and devastated people who took up the entire width of the pier. The leader of the pack was a women in her seventies riding a Rascal---she drove with one hand and with the other wiped away her tear-filled eyes. I thought, "What in the world is going on?" Then I saw it. I was in shock and again I thought to myself, "Noooo...that can't be...seriously???" Well it was exactly what I thought it was: a bag carrying an urn. The family was heading to the end of the pier to spread their beloved's ashes into Mobile Bay. The third scene I have to say was most disturbing. I looked up from the 10 foot long pier adjacent and attached to the Big Pier and saw a couple, hand in hand, giddy and in love. But something caught my attention...something was amiss within this moment. Then it hit me. The male counterpart of the couple was not male at all. No. In fact he was indeed a she. Whoa!!! Holy crap! A transvestite--a She-male. So not cool. After surviving a scene of life and love and one of death this particular event sent me into a tailspin. I was finished enjoying The Fairhope Pier and in the words of American Idol second place finisher Kathryn McPhee I was "So Over It."

Hopefully my next visit will produce stories of Mullets jumping, Pelicans flying and maybe just maybe a Jubilee...

R.I.P. Stuart Little

Today I got the bright idea to mosey on over to the Super Secret
Wal-Mart off of Cottage Hill, in order to save a little dough and maybe, just maybe avoid any and all holiday shoppers. But this day turned out to be much more than I had anticipated. Aside from the usual events that take place in the sleepy South on Saturdays, i.e. SEC Football--I was thrown the curve ball of curve balls. Let me set the scene. I left my apartment at approximately 2pm with my grocery list in hand and proceeded to Wal-Mart. Upon arriving at my not-so-undisclosed destination, I parked my car while avoiding running over children--whose parents should take my advice and march back into the store and purchase a kid-e leash. Do they not get TLC? Have they not seen Jon and Kate Plus 8? Seriously, parking is much more complicated than in days of old due to the many distractions that my ADHD mind is bombarded with. Really, everyday the world around me offers up a full on assault for my senses. Did I mention I have ADHD? OK, so I park my car, grab my purse and make my way into the store. The automatic ENTER/EXIT doors opened, which can be extremely confusing since people are prone to enter via the exit and or exit via the entrance doors. The doors are clearly marked, but who's gonna stop em'? I have a theory. I think that on a subconscious level people want to "stick it to the man" "buck authority" "rebel" and much like Henry David Thoreau, carry out acts of "Civil Disobedience." Back to the pressing matter at hand... I proceeded to cross the threshold where, unbeknownst to me, I would come face to face with a sight of horror. After surviving the F5 tornadic winds--you know what I'm talking about, that gust of wind that hits you smack in the melon and completely ruins your hair--yeah, that mysterious gust housed in the breezeway, I owned it! A very nice woman greeted me at the door, whom I believe is probably an undercover operative looking to sniff out shoplifters. Just a hunch...I got so distracted by her eager and warm welcome that I forgot to get my cart. I don't believe in chance or in luck. Serendipity is a term that I have held in high regard for it's pleasantry when leaving one's lips--but none the less I do not believe in accidents whether happy or not. Which brings me to this question: what's the antithesis of serendipity? I'll stop I promise. I turn around and exited where just moments before I had entered. I find myself waiting in line to get a shopping cart and once the sea of shoppers had parted, I made my way into the cart terminal. At first I thought of going for the cart to my left but something in me moved my feet towards the right. I was either compelled or possessed--who knows? I take hold of the cart and yank it from it's other cart friends, only for my chosen cart to reveal a most disturbing scene. There on the cold, painted gray cement was a dead body. No it wasn't a person. It...was...a.............wait......for....it....a........RAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness! Oh dear! Holy crap! Shiza! OMG, OMG!!! There it was or at least what was left of it's mangled body. I'm not even going to describe what the crime scene looked like. I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head. As I looked into it's lifeless eyes I felt a pull within my heart--but then I remembered it was a rat and that rats carry diseases and I should step away from the rat ASAP. So I told myself, "Self, step away from the rat." I complied. But I couldn't just leave it there. I panicked. But just as quickly as they came, my fears subsided when I saw the answer to my dilemma: one cart boy donning a very conspicuous hunter-orange colored vest. He was my knight in Hunter Orange. "Excuse me sir," I whispered. He motioned the go-to, "Who? Me?" Then I motioned the go-to, never fails come hither "finger curl." All I have to say is Match. Set. Point. He thought I was hitting on him and was all "aww shucks" but then I hit him with the dirty work. "Umm, there's a dead rat over there and there's a lot of blood." "A what!? A dead(insert whisper sprinkled with shock) rat?!" "Yes, it is a rat and yes it is dead rat." I watched as the color drained from this strapping young man's face. Honestly, I got a kick out of it. There's something so pleasing in seeing a man squirm or get squeemish. Does that make me a bad person? I think not.

So to all of the Wal-Mart shoppers I say "You're welcome." This good samaritan saved you and your children from the anguish and certainty of nightmares to follow, involving the deaths of our beloved childhood mice: Stuart Little, The Great Mouse Detectives, The Mouse and the Motorcycle,Fievel and Mickey Mouse.
Just a note: Stuart is my favorite--he's just too cute and Mr. Kitty bears a striking resemblance to him. Stuart Little=LOVE in my book.