Saturday, November 15, 2008

R.I.P. Stuart Little

Today I got the bright idea to mosey on over to the Super Secret
Wal-Mart off of Cottage Hill, in order to save a little dough and maybe, just maybe avoid any and all holiday shoppers. But this day turned out to be much more than I had anticipated. Aside from the usual events that take place in the sleepy South on Saturdays, i.e. SEC Football--I was thrown the curve ball of curve balls. Let me set the scene. I left my apartment at approximately 2pm with my grocery list in hand and proceeded to Wal-Mart. Upon arriving at my not-so-undisclosed destination, I parked my car while avoiding running over children--whose parents should take my advice and march back into the store and purchase a kid-e leash. Do they not get TLC? Have they not seen Jon and Kate Plus 8? Seriously, parking is much more complicated than in days of old due to the many distractions that my ADHD mind is bombarded with. Really, everyday the world around me offers up a full on assault for my senses. Did I mention I have ADHD? OK, so I park my car, grab my purse and make my way into the store. The automatic ENTER/EXIT doors opened, which can be extremely confusing since people are prone to enter via the exit and or exit via the entrance doors. The doors are clearly marked, but who's gonna stop em'? I have a theory. I think that on a subconscious level people want to "stick it to the man" "buck authority" "rebel" and much like Henry David Thoreau, carry out acts of "Civil Disobedience." Back to the pressing matter at hand... I proceeded to cross the threshold where, unbeknownst to me, I would come face to face with a sight of horror. After surviving the F5 tornadic winds--you know what I'm talking about, that gust of wind that hits you smack in the melon and completely ruins your hair--yeah, that mysterious gust housed in the breezeway, I owned it! A very nice woman greeted me at the door, whom I believe is probably an undercover operative looking to sniff out shoplifters. Just a hunch...I got so distracted by her eager and warm welcome that I forgot to get my cart. I don't believe in chance or in luck. Serendipity is a term that I have held in high regard for it's pleasantry when leaving one's lips--but none the less I do not believe in accidents whether happy or not. Which brings me to this question: what's the antithesis of serendipity? I'll stop I promise. I turn around and exited where just moments before I had entered. I find myself waiting in line to get a shopping cart and once the sea of shoppers had parted, I made my way into the cart terminal. At first I thought of going for the cart to my left but something in me moved my feet towards the right. I was either compelled or possessed--who knows? I take hold of the cart and yank it from it's other cart friends, only for my chosen cart to reveal a most disturbing scene. There on the cold, painted gray cement was a dead body. No it wasn't a person. It...was...a.............wait......for....it....a........RAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness! Oh dear! Holy crap! Shiza! OMG, OMG!!! There it was or at least what was left of it's mangled body. I'm not even going to describe what the crime scene looked like. I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head. As I looked into it's lifeless eyes I felt a pull within my heart--but then I remembered it was a rat and that rats carry diseases and I should step away from the rat ASAP. So I told myself, "Self, step away from the rat." I complied. But I couldn't just leave it there. I panicked. But just as quickly as they came, my fears subsided when I saw the answer to my dilemma: one cart boy donning a very conspicuous hunter-orange colored vest. He was my knight in Hunter Orange. "Excuse me sir," I whispered. He motioned the go-to, "Who? Me?" Then I motioned the go-to, never fails come hither "finger curl." All I have to say is Match. Set. Point. He thought I was hitting on him and was all "aww shucks" but then I hit him with the dirty work. "Umm, there's a dead rat over there and there's a lot of blood." "A what!? A dead(insert whisper sprinkled with shock) rat?!" "Yes, it is a rat and yes it is dead rat." I watched as the color drained from this strapping young man's face. Honestly, I got a kick out of it. There's something so pleasing in seeing a man squirm or get squeemish. Does that make me a bad person? I think not.

So to all of the Wal-Mart shoppers I say "You're welcome." This good samaritan saved you and your children from the anguish and certainty of nightmares to follow, involving the deaths of our beloved childhood mice: Stuart Little, The Great Mouse Detectives, The Mouse and the Motorcycle,Fievel and Mickey Mouse.
Just a note: Stuart is my favorite--he's just too cute and Mr. Kitty bears a striking resemblance to him. Stuart Little=LOVE in my book.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Songs of the Season










Today I write with much love swelling up from within my heart. I am anxiously anticipating our next holiday--and no I'm not speaking of Thanksgiving,although I have much to be thankful for. I am referring to the "holiday of holidays"-- the "season of seasons"-- the best of times...You've got it:Christmas! I love everything about this time especially because it is a season of remembrance for the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ--mad props Constantine. But as an added bonus to the true reason I love Christmas (Jesus) is the music. Let me just say that when I say "music" I am not referring to that load of poo we hear over and over again in the mall or at Target. No! I am speaking of those Cd's that take refuge in our cases and desk drawers, eagerly anticipating that day and time where they will be removed from those places of safe harbor and once again resume their role as celebratory and nostalgia-filled merry-makers, to be broadcast over loud speakers in our homes, cars and the occasional parade or two. I am not ashamed of my love for Christmas music. I am professing my undying love for those classics of yesterday that never cease to evoke the awe and wonder of my childhood. I long for those times when composers actually composed music with intentional care and reverence for the season. Needless to say I will not be purchasing the litany of albums put out at mind blowing speed just in time for the holidays by Pop artists such as The Cheetah Girls or their trashy-not classy older sisters The Pussy Cat Dolls or by any other poser-composers. Nope. I've been called a lot of things in my life--stubborn, hard-headed etc. But I've never been called a fool or pushover and I'm not about to give the world a reason to make a new claim. So today I salute those Christmas classics of the past with much gratitude and love. This music has made the car ride from Fairhope to Atmore and Mobile to Atmore every Christmas Eve for the past 20 years, all the more tolerable and has left me filled with a sense of wonder that has never ceased to leave. I have to admit that every time I see a blinking red light in the distance coming from a radio tower--for a moment I think to myself,"Could it be? Really?...Ru..Ru..Rudolph?" Then I come to my senses and smile at the little girl within me--the one I miss when times are hard or nearly unbearable at times--and I conclude that she never really left..that the little girl within me will always be and that is a gift in and of itself. Merry Christmas my friends :)

Favorite Songs of All Time:

O Holy Night

All I Want for Christmas is You

Christmas in Africa

The First Noel

Angels We Have Heard on High

Favorite Albums of All Time:

NOW That's What I Call Christmas Vol. I

Merry Christmas, Mariah Carey

Christmas Offerings, Third Day

Songs 4 Worship: Christmas Joy

Home for Christmas, NSYNC

White Christmas, Martina McBride

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Secret Life of Bees...


Mobile, AL----At about 10 AM an incident occurred at the corner of Grelot and University. An innocent bystander was assaulted at the Chevron Car Wash by an unnamed subject. The victim described the perpetrator as about 1 inch in size, yellow and black striped with a HUGE stinger. Kristen Lyles, the victim, describes the scene in full: "I was enjoying my new CD and listening to Womanizer by Britney Spears as I pulled up to the car wash. Just as I was singing the chorus at the top of my lungs, I rolled down the driver's side window to enter the super secret car wash code. Then it happened. A ferocious bee with the malicious intention of inflicting pain, flew out of the change tray and into my coiffed hair. As I fought to spare myself from being stung in the eye the bee flew into my jacket. In the midst of the chaos, I had forgotten to put my car in park and The Corolla (The White Cloud, The Ship, Rolla) began to move forward and nearly crashed into the wall. Surprisingly, I managed to enter the code and put on the brakes. The green light came on and I moved forward, still fighting for my life--when suddenly the bee made it's way out of my jacket and onto my steering wheel. I grabbed my Coldplay CD, Viva La Vida, and smacked the bee--thrusting it out of my window and into a nearby bush. Then I quickly rolled my window up. The bee returned to finish what it started and flung itself at my window multiple times. It was a relentless bee and any and all pride it held, I as the victor--squashed it. I was pretty shaken up after the incident and next time I will definitely be more aware of my surroundings and any potential dangers that may threaten the livelihood of my pretty face." Miss Lyles is recovering nicely and did not suffer any injuries, however, she is being closely monitored for Post Traumatic Stress. The perp is still at large, so we ask that the public remain guarded and on the look out for Mr.Bee.