So it's been far too long since my last post! I've got to be honest---I have no idea where to begin! Let me preface by saying that this blog will probably be much like Wednesday is to Friday--just another hump to get over until the fun begins...
OK so let's play catch up...
At the end of February Lauren and I traveled down to Fort Myers, Florida. Getting there was an adventure in and of itself! We left on a Thursday night at 10 o'clock---it takes 9 and a half hours to get to Fort Myers---ummm, yeah. So, I find myself in the backseat of the car for about an hour and a half. Then we stopped at a rest stop near Pensacola. Upon our arrival at the rest area I found that my bladder was about to explode, so I endeavored to use the ladies room. Well, I couldn't. I mean I had a nice conversation with my bladder and try as I might I could not talk it into cooperating. We needed an intercessory--an arbitrator of sorts in order to reach a mutual agreement. After ten minutes had passed (I'm not kidding) my brilliant sister turned on the faucet and left the ladies room. Immediately the flood gates opened. I don't know what my problem was....I've never been "pee-shy." I'm thinking that my bladder has issues with public restrooms---it's a hater. The end. So, that being settled, I finally found relief. I walked outside and standing before me were two very tired, very exhausted individuals. I got tickled :) They are working women after all--I just take classes online and play with Mr. Kitty. So the next thing I know--I've been handed the keys and am now the pilot of this luxury craft--of course Jesus was my co-pilot (that was for you Joy)---and I am now in pursuit of an unknown land 8 hours away. I've never been more thankful for insomia! For those of you who know me best, you know that I do not like to proceed in anything be it a school assignment, relationship or trip--unless I know every detail, aspect, or possible scenario beforehand. Well I didn't. Somewhere deep inside of me I found the strength, courage of mind and where-with-all to accept this challenge and brave into the unknown land of "over-road-worked" Florida. I did have the help of GPS--voiced by a femmebot. Fast forward two hours...I'm driving, listening to my iPod (Coldplay was on) through the stereo--Lauren and Nikki are dead to the world--then it happened. All of a sudden Nikki shot up from the backseat and yelled "Kristen! Kristen! Kristen! Watch out for that guy!" I thought to myself, "Is she dreaming? There is no guy and we're the only ones on the road! She's delusional. Bless her heart." Then, literally an 18 wheeler (semi if you're from Gordo, AL.) came into my lane, almost forcing us off the road. Let me be clear on a couple of things: 1) There were no other cars on the road (it was 2:30 in the morning) and 2) Nikki was semi-snoring in the backseat with her face buried in her pillow--so there was no way she could have seen anything. I suppose the freaky part of this story is "How on earth did she know we were about to almost get in a wreck?" I'm going to go with the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Oh and by the way, this happened again 2 hours later and yes Lauren and Nikki were both asleep. Back to my story. So I drive the entirety of the trip--I am officially a Road Warrior and I've gotta say "it feels good." We get to Nikki's mom's house at 8:30 Friday morning and I note two things: 1) the weather is a beautiful and toasty 95 degrees and 2) I wasn't in Kansas anymore: I was smack dab in the middle of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Seriously. Nikki's mom's name is Toula, her grandmother is a short, feisty Greek version of Sofia Patrillo (Golden Girls for those who are unfamiliar) named Soula Kondyles--but referred to as "YaYa" and her grandfather's name was, of course, Nick whom they called "Papus." Instead of believing that Windex is the cure-all they stand by the healing capabilities of rubbing alcohal. Seriously. Later on in the day the three of us laid out on the beach by a really cool lighthouse that made me think about a episode of "Most Haunted" I saw on the Travel Channel. I tried to forget about it, but I had already freaked myself out. We were there for about three hours, came home and Lauren and I realized that we were absolutely fried! But only on specific places on our bodies. As I was putting the pre-refrigerated Aloe gel on Lauren, I lifted up her tank top only to discover that there, clearly displayed on her back, were perfect outlines of her hand prints! I laughed, and laughed and laughed some more! Then we started to think about it--I too had a weird outline on my right forearm that was akin to a birthmark and it was extremely red. Side note: My sunburn finally healed this week. After thinking long and hard we realized that where we used the aerosol Banana Boat Sunblock we had 2nd degree burns...OK so not 2nd degree but really, really bad ones. So, to all of you DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use the spray can--use the regular and reliable lotion of yesteryear. "New" does not always=good. Moving on. We decided to go fishing. We went to Wal*Mart, bought rods, and stopped off to get live shrimp. We didn't have anything to take the shrimp home in, so we opted to use a gallon size Ziploc bag. It worked! The shrimp did not die and the fish blew through our bait! We had to go and get 2 dozen more live shrimp after 45 minutes of delightful fishing. All I have to say is that we should all re-consider our career choices. We caught so many fish--Mangrove Snapper to be exact--impressive, right?! That's it I'm going pro. All I need are a few sponsors. Any takers? Anyway, back to My Big Fat Greek Wedding...We were treated like royalty--they wouldn't allow us to lift a finger--which made me uncomfortable. I felt like a "mooch" It was unsettling for me and just "un-southern." When they would offer us food, they would ask 3 times "Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat? Are you sure?" This is actually a culture-thing. Apparently it is in poor taste to accept food/beverage the first time it is offered to you. I had no clue...Oh it gets better. On Saturday we had a feast of Greek food--Octopus, snapper(our catch of the day),spanakopita, humus, lots of olives, olive oil, pita, stuffed bell peppers, fresh fruit---lots and lots of this. I can't remember everything because I can't pronounce most of what was placed in front of me. Speaking of food being placed in front of me...I took note of my friends' experiences in foreign countries--particularly Lauren and Joy's experience in KZ and LaJuan's in Thailand. From what I gathered, when offered anything from foreign people, you take it--eat it, fight it down, and swallow with a smile. If not then one would commit a serious indiscretion against the hospitable foreign party involved. So, with this in mind, I ate everything. When everyone was finished with the Big Fat Greek dinner, there was still a lot of octopus left and Ya Ya was deeply concerned that it would be wasted. I tried to avoid eye-contact because I knew that if my eyes met with hers that it would be the end of me. Well, dang it if I didn't look at her! This was her opportunity...R.I.P. Kristen's stomach. She said, "Kristen (pronounced 'Chree-sten') don't you want some beautiful octopus? It is very good for the skin and this is the best I've ever tasted." How could I say no to Ya Ya? So I finished the rest of the sea-dwelling creature and afterwards I realized that my pallet had developed a fondness for octopus. Go figure! Oh and just for fun, Ya Ya could never remember Lauren's name and called her whatever came first to mind. My favorite of the names : Ramani. The end. Love y'all and have a great week!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 Things You Need to Know....by popular demand:
1. I was almost attacked by a shark in Destin, Fla. I had been water skiing and had dropped the line. I was waiting patiently, bobbing up and down, for the boat to come back and get me. Unbeknownst to me, I was being stalked by a Bull Shark.
2. While attempting to prepare an area in our backyard for a garden, I dug up our cat that "ran away" 4 years before. I guess he never made it to Vegas...I'd like to add that garbage bags are not biodegradable. Go green?!
3. I have had over 15 concussions and I'm not cognitively impaired...at least I think so. Wait... What was I just talking about?
4. While working at the tanning salon, a convicted felon fell in love with me. For real.
5. Also at Planet Beach, one of my male customers,whom I assume was intoxicated, came out of his room with nothing but a shirt on to tell me that his bed was not "on." The whole naked with only a t-shirt on is only endearing for pre-schoolers.
6. I had plastic surgery done on my face after a deaf Mormon boy hit me in the head with a 6 iron. What? So I've had a little work done...
7. I lost my hearing for 5 minutes after a girl on the opposing softball team hit me in the back of the head while attempting to practice swinging her bat. That's why they have designated circles.
8. Adding to the softball theme: I only struck out once in my career because my coach MADE me...stupid strategy. I'm pretty sure we lost anyway. Way to take one for the team.
9. I have kissed 26+ or - boys, one of which was an Aussie---I guess I'm very diplomatic when it comes to foreign relations....such Trash!!! Don't judge me. I have convictions now!
10. I hate mayonnaise.
11. I have had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.
12. I have broken my nose twice, dislocated my shoulder twice, broken every finger--thumbs excluded and 3 toes.
13. When I was 10 I was asked to be a foreign exchange student to Ireland. To think I could have gone back to my roots. What might have been....
14. People used to ask my mom and dad if I "really talked like that." As Joy has previously stated, I had an unusually high-pitched voice. Thank God for puberty.
15. I was told that I have a high pain tolerance. I guess that's good news?!
16. I've been in a car that was struck by lightning. I was riding in the back of a Taurus station wagon and saw lightning strike a transformer and then immediately head straight for the car. Let me add that I was sitting next to the Preacher's daughter. Coincidence? I think not.
17. I have been electrocuted 5 times.
18. I accidentally set an apartment complex on fire after burning pictures of my 6th grade boyfriend. Fire and love go together, right? Two years later I caught my sister's room on fire via a scented candle that had dried flowers in the wax.
19. I was left-handed until my parents made me change. According to research, that's a no-no.
20. I was once written up in the 8th grade for kissing my boyfriend on the cheek. If I knew I was about to go down I would have gone out in a blaze of glory and made it worth my while...Interestingly enough, the day we had OCS we stayed after Field Day and cleaned up the school. During my cleaning I stumbled upon an adult video. I told my vice-Principal and he said, "I'll take that."
21. You all know this but I'm going to say it anyway. I once had green hair after I lost my mind during a break-up. In the words of Joy and Eva: "Once you go blonde, you don't go back!" Words to live by girls.
22. I'm good at math especially Trigonometry.
23. I have had 6 majors in my college career and as of today I'm back to my first. The circle of life...
24. I have seen and heard supernatural things. You wanna know, ask me later.
25. I danced onstage with the Beach Boys when I was 4 years old.
Bonus: My family did not know that I existed until ONE month before I was born. I was born breech, weighing a pound less being an inch shorter than Lauren and I failed that test they give newborns because I had jaundice and my right arm didn't work. I had physical therapy for 6 months. Seriously? It's been a battle since birth :) Oh and my delivery was free.
2. While attempting to prepare an area in our backyard for a garden, I dug up our cat that "ran away" 4 years before. I guess he never made it to Vegas...I'd like to add that garbage bags are not biodegradable. Go green?!
3. I have had over 15 concussions and I'm not cognitively impaired...at least I think so. Wait... What was I just talking about?
4. While working at the tanning salon, a convicted felon fell in love with me. For real.
5. Also at Planet Beach, one of my male customers,whom I assume was intoxicated, came out of his room with nothing but a shirt on to tell me that his bed was not "on." The whole naked with only a t-shirt on is only endearing for pre-schoolers.
6. I had plastic surgery done on my face after a deaf Mormon boy hit me in the head with a 6 iron. What? So I've had a little work done...
7. I lost my hearing for 5 minutes after a girl on the opposing softball team hit me in the back of the head while attempting to practice swinging her bat. That's why they have designated circles.
8. Adding to the softball theme: I only struck out once in my career because my coach MADE me...stupid strategy. I'm pretty sure we lost anyway. Way to take one for the team.
9. I have kissed 26+ or - boys, one of which was an Aussie---I guess I'm very diplomatic when it comes to foreign relations....such Trash!!! Don't judge me. I have convictions now!
10. I hate mayonnaise.
11. I have had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.
12. I have broken my nose twice, dislocated my shoulder twice, broken every finger--thumbs excluded and 3 toes.
13. When I was 10 I was asked to be a foreign exchange student to Ireland. To think I could have gone back to my roots. What might have been....
14. People used to ask my mom and dad if I "really talked like that." As Joy has previously stated, I had an unusually high-pitched voice. Thank God for puberty.
15. I was told that I have a high pain tolerance. I guess that's good news?!
16. I've been in a car that was struck by lightning. I was riding in the back of a Taurus station wagon and saw lightning strike a transformer and then immediately head straight for the car. Let me add that I was sitting next to the Preacher's daughter. Coincidence? I think not.
17. I have been electrocuted 5 times.
18. I accidentally set an apartment complex on fire after burning pictures of my 6th grade boyfriend. Fire and love go together, right? Two years later I caught my sister's room on fire via a scented candle that had dried flowers in the wax.
19. I was left-handed until my parents made me change. According to research, that's a no-no.
20. I was once written up in the 8th grade for kissing my boyfriend on the cheek. If I knew I was about to go down I would have gone out in a blaze of glory and made it worth my while...Interestingly enough, the day we had OCS we stayed after Field Day and cleaned up the school. During my cleaning I stumbled upon an adult video. I told my vice-Principal and he said, "I'll take that."
21. You all know this but I'm going to say it anyway. I once had green hair after I lost my mind during a break-up. In the words of Joy and Eva: "Once you go blonde, you don't go back!" Words to live by girls.
22. I'm good at math especially Trigonometry.
23. I have had 6 majors in my college career and as of today I'm back to my first. The circle of life...
24. I have seen and heard supernatural things. You wanna know, ask me later.
25. I danced onstage with the Beach Boys when I was 4 years old.
Bonus: My family did not know that I existed until ONE month before I was born. I was born breech, weighing a pound less being an inch shorter than Lauren and I failed that test they give newborns because I had jaundice and my right arm didn't work. I had physical therapy for 6 months. Seriously? It's been a battle since birth :) Oh and my delivery was free.
Friday, January 9, 2009
My Accident-Prone Life As I Know It
Hello Friends!
As you all know Wednesday January 7th, we moved from the M-O-B to the utopian waterfront city of Fairhope. Lauren was teaching that day so I had to finish packing. Allow me to elaborate...I woke up at 5, made coffee and was greeted by a squinty-eyed Lauren, who said, "What are you doing up?" I replied, "Well, in case you've forgotten we're moving today and by 'we' I mean 'I' am moving us today while you go and teach adolescents with crazed hormones. She said, "Oh yeah...have fun with that! You can do it Lyles--just keep moving." This reminded me of a scene from the Disney/Pixar film Finding Nemo where Dori, the blue fish voiced by Ellen, keeps saying to herself "just keep swimming." All day long I had that in my head...just keep swimming...and really I had no other choice. At 6 o'clock I packed up Lauren's entire room as well as my own.
This feat demanded that I take apart the beds, which meant that I was to remove all bedding, man-handle the mattresses and box-springs and make good use of the Leatherman WAVE tool Lauren got me for Christmas in 2000. Well, I did all of that. As I was standing in Lauren's room my eyes shifted heavenward and I saw the dreaded ceiling fan... CRAP.
I had to un-install that monstrosity all by my lonesome. This was a rather disconcerting realization because 1) it is really heavy 2) I'm only 5" 2' and cannot reach 8 feet even with the use of a chair and 3) I didn't want to get electrocuted and die. This is not an unfamiliar scenario for me at all--being electrocuted is a reality for me. Just ask anyone who I lived with me during Summer Beach Project 2005---I was electrocuted 3 times. So not cool. Anyway, an hour and a half later I managed to complete this mission. I would like to note that I stood on top of a bed side table on one leg, looking like Captain Morgan. Moving on. I finally finish packing and moved all of our boxes into the center of the den. Most of our boxes contained books...very very large amounts of books...obnoxious amounts of poundage for me to move. With the help of sweet Jesus I made out OK. At 11:00 Two Men and a Truck showed up--early--I was expecting them between 11:30 and 1:30. They blew into my apartment and moved everything out in under 45 minutes. I felt like I had seen an apparition or something...I almost forgot they had been there because it all happened so fast!
Next thing--This is where it gets good so keep reading... Bethany came over, armed with a Foo-snack and a servant's heart and willingly submitted herself to my moving needs. So she and I put all of Lauren's clothes in the back of her Cougar--which has a hatch-back. As we are standing on the posterior end she goes to push Lauren's bag of shoes forward and inadvertently pushed down on her trunk cover--which unlocked the hydraulic mechanism that keeps the trunk open, which in turn sent the trunk flying directly towards my face, where it bypassed my forehead and made it's final resting place on my nose. CRACK!!! "Oh holy crap," I thought. "I just broke my nose!!! Aww man...this has happened before...dangit I don't want to look like my grandfather!!!" Well, it was indeed broken--just confirmed today. On top of that my grandmother (BB) knocked me in the head with a set of metal bed-rails. Her reply was, "Damn!!! I'm sorry Kris. You OK baby? We need to just put you in a padded room. Seriously, I do believe I had a concussion. Thank you for taking the time to read all about my injuries suffered, earned and endured. If I didn't have people to laugh with me I might have to cry. But really, I probably wouldn't. Love y'all and have a great weekend.
As you all know Wednesday January 7th, we moved from the M-O-B to the utopian waterfront city of Fairhope. Lauren was teaching that day so I had to finish packing. Allow me to elaborate...I woke up at 5, made coffee and was greeted by a squinty-eyed Lauren, who said, "What are you doing up?" I replied, "Well, in case you've forgotten we're moving today and by 'we' I mean 'I' am moving us today while you go and teach adolescents with crazed hormones. She said, "Oh yeah...have fun with that! You can do it Lyles--just keep moving." This reminded me of a scene from the Disney/Pixar film Finding Nemo where Dori, the blue fish voiced by Ellen, keeps saying to herself "just keep swimming." All day long I had that in my head...just keep swimming...and really I had no other choice. At 6 o'clock I packed up Lauren's entire room as well as my own.
This feat demanded that I take apart the beds, which meant that I was to remove all bedding, man-handle the mattresses and box-springs and make good use of the Leatherman WAVE tool Lauren got me for Christmas in 2000. Well, I did all of that. As I was standing in Lauren's room my eyes shifted heavenward and I saw the dreaded ceiling fan... CRAP.
I had to un-install that monstrosity all by my lonesome. This was a rather disconcerting realization because 1) it is really heavy 2) I'm only 5" 2' and cannot reach 8 feet even with the use of a chair and 3) I didn't want to get electrocuted and die. This is not an unfamiliar scenario for me at all--being electrocuted is a reality for me. Just ask anyone who I lived with me during Summer Beach Project 2005---I was electrocuted 3 times. So not cool. Anyway, an hour and a half later I managed to complete this mission. I would like to note that I stood on top of a bed side table on one leg, looking like Captain Morgan. Moving on. I finally finish packing and moved all of our boxes into the center of the den. Most of our boxes contained books...very very large amounts of books...obnoxious amounts of poundage for me to move. With the help of sweet Jesus I made out OK. At 11:00 Two Men and a Truck showed up--early--I was expecting them between 11:30 and 1:30. They blew into my apartment and moved everything out in under 45 minutes. I felt like I had seen an apparition or something...I almost forgot they had been there because it all happened so fast!
Next thing--This is where it gets good so keep reading... Bethany came over, armed with a Foo-snack and a servant's heart and willingly submitted herself to my moving needs. So she and I put all of Lauren's clothes in the back of her Cougar--which has a hatch-back. As we are standing on the posterior end she goes to push Lauren's bag of shoes forward and inadvertently pushed down on her trunk cover--which unlocked the hydraulic mechanism that keeps the trunk open, which in turn sent the trunk flying directly towards my face, where it bypassed my forehead and made it's final resting place on my nose. CRACK!!! "Oh holy crap," I thought. "I just broke my nose!!! Aww man...this has happened before...dangit I don't want to look like my grandfather!!!" Well, it was indeed broken--just confirmed today. On top of that my grandmother (BB) knocked me in the head with a set of metal bed-rails. Her reply was, "Damn!!! I'm sorry Kris. You OK baby? We need to just put you in a padded room. Seriously, I do believe I had a concussion. Thank you for taking the time to read all about my injuries suffered, earned and endured. If I didn't have people to laugh with me I might have to cry. But really, I probably wouldn't. Love y'all and have a great weekend.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The New Adventures of Old Kristen
The countdown has begun and I could not be more thrilled to move back to the Alma mater of my childhood--that's right Fairhope! Woo hoo! So last Saturday I ventured out to explore the old homestead and found myself once again on the Fairhope Pier--affectionately known to Fairhopians as "The Big Pier." I have a lot of memories attached to that pier, from walking it's length hand in hand with my parents armed with my favorite ice cream (blueberry cheesecake) to getting caught in a squall on a Sea Doo when I was sixteen. The rope from the tube we were pulling got sucked into the jet and yep we had no knife to cut it out--so we drifted aimlessly towards the Big Pier amidst 10 foot waves and ominous black skies ( most of us--Lauren swam 100 yards to shore to get help although she didn't fair to well in that endeavor) clinging only to the hope of once again touching dry land. When we reached the pier two big men reached down from above as if they were maritime angels sent from heaven and pulled us up to safety. Needless to say I have never gone out boating without a knife or a cell phone.
But my most recent visit to the beloved pier proved to be a most interesting experience indeed. I saw three things that are blog-worthy: The first was a bride and groom accompanied by their party trying to acquire beautiful pictures to one day show their children. It was an overcast day so hopefully the photographer is good with lighting...Secondly, I saw a posse of sad, downcast and devastated people who took up the entire width of the pier. The leader of the pack was a women in her seventies riding a Rascal---she drove with one hand and with the other wiped away her tear-filled eyes. I thought, "What in the world is going on?" Then I saw it. I was in shock and again I thought to myself, "Noooo...that can't be...seriously???" Well it was exactly what I thought it was: a bag carrying an urn. The family was heading to the end of the pier to spread their beloved's ashes into Mobile Bay. The third scene I have to say was most disturbing. I looked up from the 10 foot long pier adjacent and attached to the Big Pier and saw a couple, hand in hand, giddy and in love. But something caught my attention...something was amiss within this moment. Then it hit me. The male counterpart of the couple was not male at all. No. In fact he was indeed a she. Whoa!!! Holy crap! A transvestite--a She-male. So not cool. After surviving a scene of life and love and one of death this particular event sent me into a tailspin. I was finished enjoying The Fairhope Pier and in the words of American Idol second place finisher Kathryn McPhee I was "So Over It."
Hopefully my next visit will produce stories of Mullets jumping, Pelicans flying and maybe just maybe a Jubilee...
But my most recent visit to the beloved pier proved to be a most interesting experience indeed. I saw three things that are blog-worthy: The first was a bride and groom accompanied by their party trying to acquire beautiful pictures to one day show their children. It was an overcast day so hopefully the photographer is good with lighting...Secondly, I saw a posse of sad, downcast and devastated people who took up the entire width of the pier. The leader of the pack was a women in her seventies riding a Rascal---she drove with one hand and with the other wiped away her tear-filled eyes. I thought, "What in the world is going on?" Then I saw it. I was in shock and again I thought to myself, "Noooo...that can't be...seriously???" Well it was exactly what I thought it was: a bag carrying an urn. The family was heading to the end of the pier to spread their beloved's ashes into Mobile Bay. The third scene I have to say was most disturbing. I looked up from the 10 foot long pier adjacent and attached to the Big Pier and saw a couple, hand in hand, giddy and in love. But something caught my attention...something was amiss within this moment. Then it hit me. The male counterpart of the couple was not male at all. No. In fact he was indeed a she. Whoa!!! Holy crap! A transvestite--a She-male. So not cool. After surviving a scene of life and love and one of death this particular event sent me into a tailspin. I was finished enjoying The Fairhope Pier and in the words of American Idol second place finisher Kathryn McPhee I was "So Over It."
Hopefully my next visit will produce stories of Mullets jumping, Pelicans flying and maybe just maybe a Jubilee...
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