Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight...

"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him..." Psalm 145: 17-20

Jesus saved my life Thursday night October 22nd. Here's my story...

Last week some very curious things kept happening and presented themselves as I drove home from work. There are two roads I can choose to take that lead me home:CR 26 or 70. In general, if I'm coming home very late at night (after 10pm) I choose to take 70 because it's not as curvy and has less traffic. This road has a place within it that houses a railway--the trains literally drive over the road. Monday night I find myself on CR 70. All is quiet...not a single car on the road to keep me company. Just me and The Blazer. I come to the railroad crossing and look to my left and I see a train coming right at me! Only,there was no train. I shrugged off the matter and attributed my "hallucination" to general fatigue or tiredness. Tuesday night I find myself on the same road, crossing the same railroad tracks and AGAIN I see a train coming directly at me! But, there was no train...Wednesday was my off-day from work and I met up with my precious sister Linn Lazenby. We went to church and had a wonderful evening together and the Lord definitely spoke to us that night--but those things are for another blog post time and place :) On my way home from Linn's house I was driving and again I find myself on CR-70. This time I am blocked by the longest tractor-trailer I have every seen before in my life! I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it was as long as 6 18-wheelers! It even had three police escorts that blocked off the entire road so it could make turns. Did I mention the police escorts were FBI-esque Tahoes? They were...So my plan to drive down CR-70 was thwarted and I opted to take CR-26 instead. I made it back safe and sound--no big deal. Thursday night I finished working very late into the evening and began my trek home around 10:30pm. It had been storming all day and was currently holding down a constant, moderate downpour. I'm driving about 55mph, have on my high beams and the radio is off so I can focus on the road. I come to the railroad crossing...the lights aren't flashing...the bells aren't sounding...I look to my left and see a train barreling down the tracks(*remember the tracks cross the road)&I am about 10 feet away from the tracks when I realize that indeed there is a REAL train and indeed the lights are not flashing and indeed I am about to die. I cry out:"JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Immediately the Blazer stops on a dime! I am exactly 10 feet away from the long black train. What is amazing is that what happened completely defies the laws of motion--specifically Inertia: An object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. So picture my situation: I am driving in a Chevrolet Blazer (notorious for flipping and hydroplaning) in the rain at a speed of 55mph. What should have happened was that the Blazer should have hydroplaned when I slammed on the breaks, causing me to go directly into the train's path. I should have been thrown around in the vehicle or at worst thrown through the windshield. But none of that happened. As soon as I cried out to Jesus I felt like I hit a wall--an invisible buffer. Kind of like when you're competing in an egg toss. You don't just catch the egg like you would a ball or something. No, you cradle it and receive it in your hands so it won't crack. Well, that's what happened. I stopped right in front of the tracks...everything I had in my passenger seat remained exactly where it had been before--nothing moved---nothing had been shaken. There was peace. I was surrounded by the Grace of God and His peace. He saved me! He had been telling me all week! He is always speaking to us--we have to become aware of His voice and recognize that indeed it is Our Father's. I shouldn't be here and yet, I am. He showed me the train long before I encountered it. There were no warning lights from the tracks---but the Lord had already shown me. He is mighty to save! He is my fortress...a sure help in times of trouble. He turned to me and heard my cry. He is Good! He is my savior...He is my Jesus--the great interceder!

You Got to Know When to Hold Em'...Know When to Fold Em'...

Hello friends!
Sorry for neglecting my blogging duties---I've had a bit of writer's block, well at least until yesterday. Oh yesterday...it happened--a jewel of a story fell right into my lap. What was my first thought? "I have to blog about this asap!" So here I go.
I have been living in Bham for a little over a month and got a job the first week I started looking (Yay! Thank you sweet Jesus!!!). I am working at Best Buy as a "Digital Technologist." Sounds important, right? Don't laugh---cause' it is the hardest job I've ever had! Never thought I'd say that--but I have to know EVERYTHING about computers, digital cameras, digital SLRs, and mp3 players. Becoming an "expert" entails taking many, many certification tests that I have to pass within a 30 day period. So far, I've knocked out half of what I need to do, so that's good :)I really like my job! Okay, so onto my story...
Yesterday was the first day I flew solo in manning the fortress of cameras. I thrive in an autonomous environment--let me go and do my thing and the magic will happen. It started off as a pretty normal day--sold a few cameras and lots of accessories, helped out lots of people--so I was really enjoying myself. At about 7:30pm a gentlemen popped into my section. Now let me preface this by saying that for some reason that day I had decided to right down every encounter I had with customers. Why? I don't know. I felt compelled by The Holy Spirit. I look at this and then look at my list of "encounters" for the day. There he was: #3. So I say to him, "Oh, well hey there! You're back. Good to see you." Ok so I am very friendly, but I AM NO FLIRT. Just need to say that. So he's asking me about the big cameras--you know the ones that cost about as much as a car. Then the red flags(aka The Holy Spirit) start going off all over the place!!! He says to me, "So when do you get off work?" Please, like I'm going to tell a potential stalker when I'm going to be walking to my car...amateur. Well, I say to him, "You know, I don't really know--since I'm new here I really don't have a set schedule--I'm probably closing." In truth I got off work at 8pm--closing is at 10. Then he says, "Well, do you know very many people here (meaning Birmingham)?" So I said, "Oh yeah, I have a lot of friends who live up here!" Then he says it--the most awkward segway in the history of segways: "Well, maybe you'd like to go to dinner sometime with me." Oh just get ready for what I said...After I get over the initial shock and finally process what has just transpired, I say: "Umm, no that's okay. I don't really get very hungry. I'm good." What does that even mean??? I don't know. But then he says, "Well I can't be more than 15 years older than you." I said, "Really? I'm pretty sure you are...I'm 25." Then he says, "I'm 45. Twenty years isn't that bad." I just looked at him and with my eyes said, "Get the H away from me!" So he obliged, shook my hand and said, "It was very nice to meet you Kristen." I just said, "Uh huh, yeah." This was a really odd situation. First of all, he had already been in that day--so he came back and it was not for the purpose of making a Best Buy purchase. Secondly, the dude was 20 years older than me! Ewww!!! And thirdly, this man looked just like Kenny Rogers...a thinner version...but nonetheless he had the silver hair and full beard.
Here's my confession: As a child I had crushes on Kirk Cameron, John Stamos (Uncle Jesse was my fave)and a few others. Well, I also had an affinity for men with facial hair. Some of my bearded/stached crushes were George Michael, the guy off of "My Two Dads" and my all time favorite Tom Selleck. I still think Tom's a good looking guy..what??? Go on and say what you want, but he's a man's man. I mean hello? Quigley Down Under...The NRA. Yeah. But never, have I ever had a thing for Kenny Rogers---I don't want the recipe for his Roasters and I never will! And I am allergic to chicken.
In conclusion, I now have a designated "Best Buy Boyfriend" named Patrick who is a very good-looking seminary student. He walked me to my car and even opened my door :) There are still good guys out there--the kind that will be more than happy to be your escort and workplace boyfriend. So that's my story. Kenny Rogers has now been flagged and all is right in the world. Now if I could just get the security video from the Geek Squad...That would be amazing!

The Sketchy Gas Station Bathroom Life As I Know It

So yesterday I was in Mobile for my final (of 10) dental appointments. I arrived around 1:45 only to find myself in the middle of a severe thunderstorm. Needless to say, I was not excited about having an electric-powered drill in my mouth while enduring one of the worst summmer storms--that, by the way, brought with it a light show that would make any pyrotechnic engineer green with envy. Did someone say Nitrous? Cause' I'm pretty sure that's what kept me from freaking out...just saying. One hour and 3 shots later, I am finished and my mouth is set free from dental torture. But wait a minute...I can't feel my nose...uh oh...Every time I walk out of the dentist's office I look like one of those people on Ripley's Believe It or Not!--you know, the one's who can contort their faces--even being able to cover up there noses with their bottom lip. Umm yeah. Yesterday was no different. The entire right side of my face was frozen--I looked like John Edd Thompson back in 2000 when he suffered and recovered from Bell's Palsey. As I was walking to my car, "it" hit me and by "it" I mean my bladder "smacked me upside the head" screaming that we had to go--gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW!!! I thought to myself, "Aww, man!!! I don't want to go anywhere looking like this!" I was momentarily beside myself.Then something in me rose up and I resolved to find a restroom because a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I remember the Chevron that sits on the corner of University and Grelot. It is the same gas station where I had a run-in with a killer bee. I pull up to the Chevron and walk in. I'm greeted by a man who looks and acts like the very effeminate black-guy from Bravo's The Fashion Show. Just a note: Issac Mizrahi is no Heidi Klum. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, I open the bathroom door with my shirt-sleeve and proceed to reach for the light switch. I flip the switch and....nothing...nada...zero light. Great.I've already locked myself in the bathroom and now I can't see. Blackberry to the rescue! I pull my phone out and use my handy "Flashlight" App to shed a little light on the toilet seat. As I am doing my thing I finally notice that it smells a little odd in here. No, I'm not talking about the usual fright-fest of odors that seem to linger in a public restroom. This was different. I search through the roll-a-dex of smells in my head and finally pinpoint the source of odorous emission. "What was it?," you ask. Well, friends it was WEED. Yes, WEED. As in, marijuana, pot, Mary Jane, reefer, dope, hash, chronic herb and grass. I immediately think to myself, "This is kind of funny. Someone has literally bonged-out the bathroom." I get out of their really quickly, walk up to the girly-man clerk (crooked face and all) and say, "Hey. Umm, the Women's bathroom light is out and it smells like weed. Have a nice day."

Jillian and Ben Got Hitched!!! WOO HOO!!!

My little Jillian Michelle (Jillian "Alexis" as she sometimes likes to say)got married this past Saturday to Ben McMillan,a wonderful man who loves the Lord :) Here are a few photos of the weekend events...

It's a Thug Story Yo! TV Gold...

Below is the intro of the CMT Awards in full...
http://www.cmt.com/videos/misc/401606/2009-cmt-music-awards-show-open.jhtml?id=1614098

This is the video of just T-Sweezy and T-Pain...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY0DAwzVFig

I don't know why you can't just "click" on the URLs--so copy them and paste to your browser.

The Bridesmaid Life As I Know It...

This past Saturday my good friends Nikki and Will got hitched! It was a Greek Wedding and if you've seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"--then you have a pretty good idea of what I experienced this past week. Thursday there was a get together at their house with family and friends. Friday there was brunch at A Spot of Tea followed by the Wedding Rehearsal at the Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church and then Rehearsal Dinner at Felix's Fish Camp. Overall everything was wonderful and I had waaaayyyy too much fun! The Wedding Reception was held at The Ezell House--which was beautiful. Let me start off by stating that Lauren and I waited until the week of the wedding to get our dresses altered---you know how we roll--procrastinators to the core! It started off as follows:

Tuesday, Lauren and I met Nikki at her office to do a little pre-wedding P90X---to work on our glamour muscles. I get my chiropractic adjustment from Nikki--which took about 15 minutes of laying very still on the table after Nikki karate chopped my atlas back into place. Then we decided to work out...Nikki says to me, "Kristen. Did y'all ever get your dresses hemmed?" Oh no--I totally just got put on blast by the bride to be...uh oh. "Umm, no Nikki--not yet..." Nikki: "What?! Well have you gotten shoes?" Me: "Umm, no--not yet..." Nikki: "Kristen!!! I'm gonna...." She held her tongue and we loaded up in the Coralla and traveled directly to Dillard's and Shoe Station in Malbis. We found shoes and then drove to our apt., got our dresses and went to Nikki's house. Lauren tried her dress on first and needed about 3-4 inches cut off---mine needed about 6 inches cut off +cups and about 2 inches of bust line adjustments. At this point in time it's 10:30pm. We panic. Then I think to myself, "BB will know what to do!" So I call my MeMaw--the reliable night owl and get her on the phone. After receiving a mini-lecture she tells me she'll call Mrs. Hartzog--the amazing ace-in-the-hole seamstress of Atmore. So we go home and I pray....a lot...that we will get all of this taken care of tomorrow. So Wednesday morning I have a doctor's appointment at 9:15 and leave from there to go to Atmore. The weather was hurricane-like---as a matter of fact I drove through some hail in Bay Minette. The Blazer was unscathed! I arrive at BB's and we go straight to Mrs. Hartzog's. I get my dresss altered and this was a funny situation in and of itself. As all of you know, I am quite modest--I can't help it--I was raised this way. Well, as I was standing with my dress on surrounded by BB,Mrs. Hartzog and what seemed like a mountain of bridesmaid dresses, Mrs. H says to me: "What size cups do you need?" I said, "Probably the smallest you have!" She says, "Are you sure? I can give you a little cleavage? I then say to her,"No ma'am..that's ok." She says well let's just see what looks better." Then she proceeds to jam her hand in between the girls and lift them into place! It took some time for me to process what has just occured, but as I gathered my composure I realized that I had just been accousted aka "felt up" by a 65 year old lady! Oh dear. I finally told her to give me the A-cups because I didn't want to look like a liar standing in the House of The Lord. She conceded. Then it was time for me to take off my dress and I had to tell my grandmother and this lady to please step out of the room. Seriously...privacy...anyone ever heard of it? Did I mention Lauren was not with me in Atmore? Yeah she wasn't. So I had to "guess-ti-mate" everything that needed to be done to her dress.

Thursday was the get-together at Nikki and Will's house at 6:15pm. I had a really great time and we learned a few Greek dances! Good food, good people, good times! Lauren and I got home around 1:30 Friday morning :)

Our dresses were ready Friday morning. BB met me in Malbis at about 2pm,where we made the exchange after we had brunch at 11:00 am at A Spot of Tea. Next, I traveled back to Nikki's house and was given the duty of contacting the DJ with the band's set list and composing a playlist for him to play at the wedding. So I did and it worked out. Then we were off to the Rehearsal at 5:30. We made it there right on time---everyone else got there at about 5:50 and Nikki, well she made it there around 6:15. The woman is always late! This was probably the most chill and laidback rehearsal ever--probably because we were all soooo hungry! So we go to Felix's at 7:00 and I have never been so tired in my life! I'm known for being a night-owl and I was dunzo by 6:00pm. Completely out of character for me. Lauren and I had a great bathroom experience there. A woman and her two teenage girls kept going on and on about our dresses and our shoes and one of the yound ladies said to Lauren, "I love your dress! I love your hair! I love your shoes! You look beautiful!" I was in the bathroom stall and said, "Hey Lauren! We should go to the bathroom more often--it's been great for our self-esteem!" Those girls were too cute :) Off to dinner...we eat blackend Mahi-Mahi, dirty rice and the groom's cake followed by the after dinner entertainment of a video the bride and groom had produced for the special occasion. It involved the two walking on the grounds of the Grande Hotel and recounting their love story. It was a funny and precious production. In summary of their story: Will was a gold pro at the Grande Hotel and Nikki needed a golf lesson. It was 2pm on a Sunday and he was supposed to be off-work but stayed to do inventory. Nikki called and asked if anyone could give her a lesson and the guy said, "I know just the man for the job." It was Will. As the two were riding in the golf cart after the lesson to play 9 holes, Nikki looks over at Will and thinks to herself, "I could marry this guy." And that's the story. Anyway, back to the celebration. We left Felix's around 11:00pm and went to bed. Woke up Saturday morning around 6 and Lauren and I bothed spent our morning praying for Nikki and Will--without knowing that we were both doing so. We got dressed and ready and were picked up another bridesmaid at 1pm to go to The Ezell House for photos. On our way over I received a phone call from Nikki saying she was still getting her hair done---it was 1:30pm. All of us in the car were releaved because we were rushing our guts out to get there on time! So we made a few stops to get gas and a Jr. Bacon Cheesburger from Wendy's. I was starving! We make it to the Ezell house on time and Nikki made it there around 2:40pm. Yep. We take photos and Nikki had us huddle up and she told us why she chose each of us as her bridesmaids: because we were Godly women who have meant so much to her and were faithful friends and sisters--and she couldn't imagine not having us in her life. There was more but I was trying not to cry. Oh but Nikki did cry...then she asked if we would pray and Lauren offered a beautiful prayer. Then Lauren and I rode with Nikki and her brother to the church around 3:15---the wedding was at 4:00. Then we waited in a room and listed to the church fill up with people and boy was it full! At 4pm on the dot we make our way to the front of the church--Nikki cries some more and I hug her, kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love her and am so happy for her. All of the bridesmaids wrapped tissue around the stem of our nosegays because we knew we would cry. So we line up with our escorts and proceed to march down the eisle. My escort was Nikki's brother--they could pass for twins. We make it to the end of the eisle, bow before the alter which had a very ornate bible and other things placed on it--and stand before the congreation in the most beautiful and reverant church I have ever been in before in my life. I definately felt the presence of The Lord. Then Nikki and her Dad make there way down and she's sobbing--I mean sobbing the entire way down! Happy tears--extremely happy tears! I cried..everybody cried. A Greek Wedding ceremony usually lasts for about an hour--but we made it through in 45 minutes. Yes I stood in 3 inch heels for 45 minutes. And did I mention I was standing next to a very pregnant bridesmaid? I kept thinking to myself, "What if she passes out? I guess I'll sacrifice myself for the good!" It was so hot up there and my feet turned a scary black and purple. I have bruises on the feet from standing for so long! Anyway, the wedding was beautiful and it involved the priest remembering God's faithfulness in the lives of people in the bible like Abraham and Sarah, Moses, Hosea and Homer, Jacob and so one. As he would remember these people he would ask that God would bless Nikki and Will as he had them. It was beautiful--but mostly in Greek so one could only catch bits and pieces. If you want to know more--just ask me--there were some really cool parts involving crowns and walking around a table--everything was done in "3s" for the Trinity. So they're married--we make our way to the front of the church where we "received" all of the guests in attendance. About an hour later we took more photos (for about 30 minutes) and then made it to The Ezell House where the bridal party was introduced and then a champagne toast took place. I had a toast prepared but never got to give it--I'll have to write it in a card for Nikki and Will. Then we ate really good food, danced and had a throw down of a time. Lauren caught the bouquet---glad I didn't--I've caught 3 in my lifetime and so far I'm still a single lady!

On a funnier note...it is in the Greek tradition that the wedding party and family take shots of Serbian Brandy. Oh dear! Well I woke up Sunday morning with Lauren sleeping on my floor--I said, "What are you doing?" She said, "Do you not remember?" I said, "Remember what?" Then she said, "I'll tell you later...that Seribian Brandy is evil!" Apparently the brandy caught up with me and I was speaking in an inaudible language, moaning and ridgid. I didn't know any of this and the stories Lauren told me I do not remember---all I know is that I had a wonderful time regardless of the "Devil's Brew"(thanks Joy). Don't worry I didn't do anything stupid or embarrassing--I forget that I'm so little and it came back and bit me in the butt! By the Grace of God I did not get sick. I'll be glad to tell you anything and everything later. Overall, the wedding was beautiful and lots of fun. I really enjoyed all of the dancing and celebration surrounding the union of the two family---one very, very southern Kentucky family to a very, very Michigan/Greek crew. All I know is that I kept telling Nikki this: "I just love you Nikki. If I had another sister it would be you." And she said, "I love you too Kristen and I am your sister." Aww. See I didn't do anything stupid---just sweet :)

The Lord's Creation at MeMaw BB's house...

Daylilie

Daylilies

Japanese Iris

Ferns. I like this perspective.

I love wheat fields! So many principles...

Daisy in BB's front yard.

Agapanthus (Lily of The Nile). If you look closely you'll see a grasshopper in the middle of it

Beautiful Daylilies.

The Mass Hysteria of Life As I Know It

Hello all! I just wanted to share with you my experience at the doctor's office today. I am fine--just had to get a Rx filled...On to the story. The first thing I encounter as I walk through the automatic doors of Thomas Hospital is a volunteer sitting behind a desk. She was wearing a pink lab coat--you know, the older-lady candy-striper badge of honor. I pause and recognize that this lady used to be a Spanish teacher at Fairhope High School and to add to her story--she's deaf in her left ear. How I remember this, I do not know--but alas I do. I say,"Hello" and she responds accordingly. I think to myself, "Dangit, I missed my chance to use whatever practical Spanish I know!" So, I noted that to myself and proceeded to my doctor's office. I take the ride up the elevator which reminds me of the scene in "You've Got Mail." Every time I get on one, I look around at the other passengers and think to myself, "What if we got stuck? What would we talk about? Do I smell B.O.? I don't think I could handle being stuck in an elevator with a smelly person..." I digress. So, I make it to my destination, safe and sound. As I walk into the office to sign in, I notice a box precariously positioned on the counter space right next to the sign-in sheet. On the box was written "Take one if you need it." What was in the box you might ask? Well, this treasure box of free booty was loaded with surgical masks. Yes, surgical masks. Apparently, people in Fairhope, Alabama are taking precautions against the "Swine Flu." Seriously. Or at least if they think they might want to....oh mass hysteria why have you come into the sleepy town of Fairhope? For a fleeting moment I almost helped myself to the masks as a joke of course--but then I opted out of the free gift with purchase that an appointment with my MD offered. On my way out of Thomas Hosptial I spy the former educator turned candy-striper/pink lady and say very confidently, "Hola!" She replied, "Huh???" If only I knew sign language...I suppose this child was indeed left behind with no second language to call my own.

My Big Fat Greek Road Trip

So it's been far too long since my last post! I've got to be honest---I have no idea where to begin! Let me preface by saying that this blog will probably be much like Wednesday is to Friday--just another hump to get over until the fun begins...
OK so let's play catch up...
At the end of February Lauren and I traveled down to Fort Myers, Florida. Getting there was an adventure in and of itself! We left on a Thursday night at 10 o'clock---it takes 9 and a half hours to get to Fort Myers---ummm, yeah. So, I find myself in the backseat of the car for about an hour and a half. Then we stopped at a rest stop near Pensacola. Upon our arrival at the rest area I found that my bladder was about to explode, so I endeavored to use the ladies room. Well, I couldn't. I mean I had a nice conversation with my bladder and try as I might I could not talk it into cooperating. We needed an intercessory--an arbitrator of sorts in order to reach a mutual agreement. After ten minutes had passed (I'm not kidding) my brilliant sister turned on the faucet and left the ladies room. Immediately the flood gates opened. I don't know what my problem was....I've never been "pee-shy." I'm thinking that my bladder has issues with public restrooms---it's a hater. The end. So, that being settled, I finally found relief. I walked outside and standing before me were two very tired, very exhausted individuals. I got tickled :) They are working women after all--I just take classes online and play with Mr. Kitty. So the next thing I know--I've been handed the keys and am now the pilot of this luxury craft--of course Jesus was my co-pilot (that was for you Joy)---and I am now in pursuit of an unknown land 8 hours away. I've never been more thankful for insomia! For those of you who know me best, you know that I do not like to proceed in anything be it a school assignment, relationship or trip--unless I know every detail, aspect, or possible scenario beforehand. Well I didn't. Somewhere deep inside of me I found the strength, courage of mind and where-with-all to accept this challenge and brave into the unknown land of "over-road-worked" Florida. I did have the help of GPS--voiced by a femmebot. Fast forward two hours...I'm driving, listening to my iPod (Coldplay was on) through the stereo--Lauren and Nikki are dead to the world--then it happened. All of a sudden Nikki shot up from the backseat and yelled "Kristen! Kristen! Kristen! Watch out for that guy!" I thought to myself, "Is she dreaming? There is no guy and we're the only ones on the road! She's delusional. Bless her heart." Then, literally an 18 wheeler (semi if you're from Gordo, AL.) came into my lane, almost forcing us off the road. Let me be clear on a couple of things: 1) There were no other cars on the road (it was 2:30 in the morning) and 2) Nikki was semi-snoring in the backseat with her face buried in her pillow--so there was no way she could have seen anything. I suppose the freaky part of this story is "How on earth did she know we were about to almost get in a wreck?" I'm going to go with the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Oh and by the way, this happened again 2 hours later and yes Lauren and Nikki were both asleep. Back to my story. So I drive the entirety of the trip--I am officially a Road Warrior and I've gotta say "it feels good." We get to Nikki's mom's house at 8:30 Friday morning and I note two things: 1) the weather is a beautiful and toasty 95 degrees and 2) I wasn't in Kansas anymore: I was smack dab in the middle of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Seriously. Nikki's mom's name is Toula, her grandmother is a short, feisty Greek version of Sofia Patrillo (Golden Girls for those who are unfamiliar) named Soula Kondyles--but referred to as "YaYa" and her grandfather's name was, of course, Nick whom they called "Papus." Instead of believing that Windex is the cure-all they stand by the healing capabilities of rubbing alcohal. Seriously. Later on in the day the three of us laid out on the beach by a really cool lighthouse that made me think about a episode of "Most Haunted" I saw on the Travel Channel. I tried to forget about it, but I had already freaked myself out. We were there for about three hours, came home and Lauren and I realized that we were absolutely fried! But only on specific places on our bodies. As I was putting the pre-refrigerated Aloe gel on Lauren, I lifted up her tank top only to discover that there, clearly displayed on her back, were perfect outlines of her hand prints! I laughed, and laughed and laughed some more! Then we started to think about it--I too had a weird outline on my right forearm that was akin to a birthmark and it was extremely red. Side note: My sunburn finally healed this week. After thinking long and hard we realized that where we used the aerosol Banana Boat Sunblock we had 2nd degree burns...OK so not 2nd degree but really, really bad ones. So, to all of you DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use the spray can--use the regular and reliable lotion of yesteryear. "New" does not always=good. Moving on. We decided to go fishing. We went to Wal*Mart, bought rods, and stopped off to get live shrimp. We didn't have anything to take the shrimp home in, so we opted to use a gallon size Ziploc bag. It worked! The shrimp did not die and the fish blew through our bait! We had to go and get 2 dozen more live shrimp after 45 minutes of delightful fishing. All I have to say is that we should all re-consider our career choices. We caught so many fish--Mangrove Snapper to be exact--impressive, right?! That's it I'm going pro. All I need are a few sponsors. Any takers? Anyway, back to My Big Fat Greek Wedding...We were treated like royalty--they wouldn't allow us to lift a finger--which made me uncomfortable. I felt like a "mooch" It was unsettling for me and just "un-southern." When they would offer us food, they would ask 3 times "Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat? Are you sure?" This is actually a culture-thing. Apparently it is in poor taste to accept food/beverage the first time it is offered to you. I had no clue...Oh it gets better. On Saturday we had a feast of Greek food--Octopus, snapper(our catch of the day),spanakopita, humus, lots of olives, olive oil, pita, stuffed bell peppers, fresh fruit---lots and lots of this. I can't remember everything because I can't pronounce most of what was placed in front of me. Speaking of food being placed in front of me...I took note of my friends' experiences in foreign countries--particularly Lauren and Joy's experience in KZ and LaJuan's in Thailand. From what I gathered, when offered anything from foreign people, you take it--eat it, fight it down, and swallow with a smile. If not then one would commit a serious indiscretion against the hospitable foreign party involved. So, with this in mind, I ate everything. When everyone was finished with the Big Fat Greek dinner, there was still a lot of octopus left and Ya Ya was deeply concerned that it would be wasted. I tried to avoid eye-contact because I knew that if my eyes met with hers that it would be the end of me. Well, dang it if I didn't look at her! This was her opportunity...R.I.P. Kristen's stomach. She said, "Kristen (pronounced 'Chree-sten') don't you want some beautiful octopus? It is very good for the skin and this is the best I've ever tasted." How could I say no to Ya Ya? So I finished the rest of the sea-dwelling creature and afterwards I realized that my pallet had developed a fondness for octopus. Go figure! Oh and just for fun, Ya Ya could never remember Lauren's name and called her whatever came first to mind. My favorite of the names : Ramani. The end. Love y'all and have a great week!

The Good Life As I Know It

25 Things You Need to Know....by popular demand:

1. I was almost attacked by a shark in Destin, Fla. I had been water skiing and had dropped the line. I was waiting patiently, bobbing up and down, for the boat to come back and get me. Unbeknownst to me, I was being stalked by a Bull Shark.

2. While attempting to prepare an area in our backyard for a garden, I dug up our cat that "ran away" 4 years before. I guess he never made it to Vegas...I'd like to add that garbage bags are not biodegradable. Go green?!

3. I have had over 15 concussions and I'm not cognitively impaired...at least I think so. Wait... What was I just talking about?

4. While working at the tanning salon, a convicted felon fell in love with me. For real.

5. Also at Planet Beach, one of my male customers,whom I assume was intoxicated, came out of his room with nothing but a shirt on to tell me that his bed was not "on." The whole naked with only a t-shirt on is only endearing for pre-schoolers.

6. I had plastic surgery done on my face after a deaf Mormon boy hit me in the head with a 6 iron. What? So I've had a little work done...

7. I lost my hearing for 5 minutes after a girl on the opposing softball team hit me in the back of the head while attempting to practice swinging her bat. That's why they have designated circles.

8. Adding to the softball theme: I only struck out once in my career because my coach MADE me...stupid strategy. I'm pretty sure we lost anyway. Way to take one for the team.

9. I have kissed 26+ or - boys, one of which was an Aussie---I guess I'm very diplomatic when it comes to foreign relations....such Trash!!! Don't judge me. I have convictions now!

10. I hate mayonnaise.

11. I have had the Heimlich maneuver performed on me.

12. I have broken my nose twice, dislocated my shoulder twice, broken every finger--thumbs excluded and 3 toes.

13. When I was 10 I was asked to be a foreign exchange student to Ireland. To think I could have gone back to my roots. What might have been....

14. People used to ask my mom and dad if I "really talked like that." As Joy has previously stated, I had an unusually high-pitched voice. Thank God for puberty.

15. I was told that I have a high pain tolerance. I guess that's good news?!

16. I've been in a car that was struck by lightning. I was riding in the back of a Taurus station wagon and saw lightning strike a transformer and then immediately head straight for the car. Let me add that I was sitting next to the Preacher's daughter. Coincidence? I think not.

17. I have been electrocuted 5 times.

18. I accidentally set an apartment complex on fire after burning pictures of my 6th grade boyfriend. Fire and love go together, right? Two years later I caught my sister's room on fire via a scented candle that had dried flowers in the wax.

19. I was left-handed until my parents made me change. According to research, that's a no-no.

20. I was once written up in the 8th grade for kissing my boyfriend on the cheek. If I knew I was about to go down I would have gone out in a blaze of glory and made it worth my while...Interestingly enough, the day we had OCS we stayed after Field Day and cleaned up the school. During my cleaning I stumbled upon an adult video. I told my vice-Principal and he said, "I'll take that."

21. You all know this but I'm going to say it anyway. I once had green hair after I lost my mind during a break-up. In the words of Joy and Eva: "Once you go blonde, you don't go back!" Words to live by girls.

22. I'm good at math especially Trigonometry.

23. I have had 6 majors in my college career and as of today I'm back to my first. The circle of life...

24. I have seen and heard supernatural things. You wanna know, ask me later.

25. I danced onstage with the Beach Boys when I was 4 years old.

Bonus: My family did not know that I existed until ONE month before I was born. I was born breech, weighing a pound less being an inch shorter than Lauren and I failed that test they give newborns because I had jaundice and my right arm didn't work. I had physical therapy for 6 months. Seriously? It's been a battle since birth :) Oh and my delivery was free.

My Accident-Prone Life As I Know It

Hello Friends!

As you all know Wednesday January 7th, we moved from the M-O-B to the utopian waterfront city of Fairhope. Lauren was teaching that day so I had to finish packing. Allow me to elaborate...I woke up at 5, made coffee and was greeted by a squinty-eyed Lauren, who said, "What are you doing up?" I replied, "Well, in case you've forgotten we're moving today and by 'we' I mean 'I' am moving us today while you go and teach adolescents with crazed hormones. She said, "Oh yeah...have fun with that! You can do it Lyles--just keep moving." This reminded me of a scene from the Disney/Pixar film Finding Nemo where Dori, the blue fish voiced by Ellen, keeps saying to herself "just keep swimming." All day long I had that in my head...just keep swimming...and really I had no other choice. At 6 o'clock I packed up Lauren's entire room as well as my own.
This feat demanded that I take apart the beds, which meant that I was to remove all bedding, man-handle the mattresses and box-springs and make good use of the Leatherman WAVE tool Lauren got me for Christmas in 2000. Well, I did all of that. As I was standing in Lauren's room my eyes shifted heavenward and I saw the dreaded ceiling fan... CRAP.
I had to un-install that monstrosity all by my lonesome. This was a rather disconcerting realization because 1) it is really heavy 2) I'm only 5" 2' and cannot reach 8 feet even with the use of a chair and 3) I didn't want to get electrocuted and die. This is not an unfamiliar scenario for me at all--being electrocuted is a reality for me. Just ask anyone who I lived with me during Summer Beach Project 2005---I was electrocuted 3 times. So not cool. Anyway, an hour and a half later I managed to complete this mission. I would like to note that I stood on top of a bed side table on one leg, looking like Captain Morgan. Moving on. I finally finish packing and moved all of our boxes into the center of the den. Most of our boxes contained books...very very large amounts of books...obnoxious amounts of poundage for me to move. With the help of sweet Jesus I made out OK. At 11:00 Two Men and a Truck showed up--early--I was expecting them between 11:30 and 1:30. They blew into my apartment and moved everything out in under 45 minutes. I felt like I had seen an apparition or something...I almost forgot they had been there because it all happened so fast!
Next thing--This is where it gets good so keep reading... Bethany came over, armed with a Foo-snack and a servant's heart and willingly submitted herself to my moving needs. So she and I put all of Lauren's clothes in the back of her Cougar--which has a hatch-back. As we are standing on the posterior end she goes to push Lauren's bag of shoes forward and inadvertently pushed down on her trunk cover--which unlocked the hydraulic mechanism that keeps the trunk open, which in turn sent the trunk flying directly towards my face, where it bypassed my forehead and made it's final resting place on my nose. CRACK!!! "Oh holy crap," I thought. "I just broke my nose!!! Aww man...this has happened before...dangit I don't want to look like my grandfather!!!" Well, it was indeed broken--just confirmed today. On top of that my grandmother (BB) knocked me in the head with a set of metal bed-rails. Her reply was, "Damn!!! I'm sorry Kris. You OK baby? We need to just put you in a padded room. Seriously, I do believe I had a concussion. Thank you for taking the time to read all about my injuries suffered, earned and endured. If I didn't have people to laugh with me I might have to cry. But really, I probably wouldn't. Love y'all and have a great weekend.

The New Adventures of Old Kristen

The countdown has begun and I could not be more thrilled to move back to the Alma mater of my childhood--that's right Fairhope! Woo hoo! So last Saturday I ventured out to explore the old homestead and found myself once again on the Fairhope Pier--affectionately known to Fairhopians as "The Big Pier." I have a lot of memories attached to that pier, from walking it's length hand in hand with my parents armed with my favorite ice cream (blueberry cheesecake) to getting caught in a squall on a Sea Doo when I was sixteen. The rope from the tube we were pulling got sucked into the jet and yep we had no knife to cut it out--so we drifted aimlessly towards the Big Pier amidst 10 foot waves and ominous black skies ( most of us--Lauren swam 100 yards to shore to get help although she didn't fair to well in that endeavor) clinging only to the hope of once again touching dry land. When we reached the pier two big men reached down from above as if they were maritime angels sent from heaven and pulled us up to safety. Needless to say I have never gone out boating without a knife or a cell phone.

But my most recent visit to the beloved pier proved to be a most interesting experience indeed. I saw three things that are blog-worthy: The first was a bride and groom accompanied by their party trying to acquire beautiful pictures to one day show their children. It was an overcast day so hopefully the photographer is good with lighting...Secondly, I saw a posse of sad, downcast and devastated people who took up the entire width of the pier. The leader of the pack was a women in her seventies riding a Rascal---she drove with one hand and with the other wiped away her tear-filled eyes. I thought, "What in the world is going on?" Then I saw it. I was in shock and again I thought to myself, "Noooo...that can't be...seriously???" Well it was exactly what I thought it was: a bag carrying an urn. The family was heading to the end of the pier to spread their beloved's ashes into Mobile Bay. The third scene I have to say was most disturbing. I looked up from the 10 foot long pier adjacent and attached to the Big Pier and saw a couple, hand in hand, giddy and in love. But something caught my attention...something was amiss within this moment. Then it hit me. The male counterpart of the couple was not male at all. No. In fact he was indeed a she. Whoa!!! Holy crap! A transvestite--a She-male. So not cool. After surviving a scene of life and love and one of death this particular event sent me into a tailspin. I was finished enjoying The Fairhope Pier and in the words of American Idol second place finisher Kathryn McPhee I was "So Over It."

Hopefully my next visit will produce stories of Mullets jumping, Pelicans flying and maybe just maybe a Jubilee...